It's been 10 years...wow...

I looked at the calendar today and realized all that this year symbolizes in my life.  It is my "10"...

I sit here, unable to sleep at 1:30 AM and replay so much of that year.  A year that I look back on now with smiles for all the good, regrets for all the should have's and tears for the losses.  I think about how much the loss of my Dad tore me apart that December and how nobody really took the time to understand, all that most people saw was that I was mourning a man that the few years before he passed away didn't call, didn't ask about me and honestly didn't seem to care.  It was during that time that I tried to fight back the pain of the "I should have..." and "If Only..." to remain strong and put on the image that I was expected to put on...it was like most people expected me to move on from it like it was no big deal.  I couldn't do it and to this day I still find myself crying over certain things that remind me of him.

But looking back now, my 10 is so much more than just the regrets of losing my Dad without ever saying goodbye, it is all of the regrets that surround that year.

I think about the fact that I got mad at my Dad for not calling me on my birthday only to find out two days later that he was gone and he didn't call because he was in a comma...I should have called to find out why he didn't call, but it was such a regular occurance I guess it didn't phase me, it's like I wanted a reason to be mad at him, I wanted a reason to say that everybody was right and he didn't really care about me.

My 10 is also very important to me because it is the year I met I should have spent every second possible shopping with those three incredible women that summer when I had the chance, because now I can't ever do that again.

I have a box in my room that has remained closed for a long time.  A box filled with all sorts of pictures from since I was a baby.  I look at the box over and over again each day and tell myself that I should go into it and scan some of those pictures and share them with the people that are in those pictures and are still here to enjoy them with me, but I haven't.  The reasoning isn't apparent to me other than the normal excuses of the busy day, or the TV show we want to watch that night.  But, now, looking back, I say I should have scanned those pictures a long time ago...and I now vow to get it done in the next week.